The Wufei Show!
by Lady Deathscythe
Summary: Wufei gets his own talk show, Duo gets shrunk and is chased by a crazed Perfect Soldier. Warnings: Randon insanity, and self insertion.
1. Welcome warriors and onnas!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gundam Wing, Tenchi Muyo or anything else.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ever wondered what would happen if Wufei got his own talk show? Well even if you didn't I wrote this anyway. Please review. If you're reading my other fic 'Sandrock High' I uploaded another chapter so read and review that too!

THE WUFEI SHOW – Not for Weaklings!

SCENE: The camera zooms in to… an empty chair.

LADY D: What? What do you mean empty?! Where is he?!

Voices are heard backstage.

LADY D: Hey, that sounds like Wufei.

WUFEI: So you see Quatre, if that is what happened, you were well within your justice rights to do that.

QUATRE: Well I guess you're right. Thanks Wufei! ^_^

WUFEI: That's what I-

LADY D: WUFEI, STOP LECTURING QUATRE AND GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW! YOU HAVE A SHOW TO DO!

(Regains her composure)

Okay. Let's try this again.

The camera zooms in again, this time Wufei is sitting on the chair.

WUFEI: Hello and welcome, gentlemen, warriors and onnas, to the one, the only, 'Wufei Show!' I'm your host Wufei. And what do we do on this show I hear you ask.

LADY D: (to Trowa) He's hearing things now. It's so sad.

WUFEI: (Shoots authoress an annoyed look)

Well, as I was saying, on this show we talk about the real issues of the Earth and the Colonies, issues that concern you, the viewer. Issues that concern that oh-so-powerful word 'Justice'. So, lets take our first caller. Justice. How can I help?

CALLER #1: Hi Wufei! I just want to let you know, I'm your biggest fan, I watch this show all of the time!

WUFEI: This is our first episode.

CALLER #1: I know! Hahahahahaaaa!! Hey! Give me back the phone! (Sounds of a scuffle are heard) No, no, please, I promise I'll stop telling people I'm Batman, really! Don't give me a needle! Aaaaaaaghhhh!…..

CHIRPY VOICE: Hi, sorry about that. This is the Superhero's Mental Institute! You were talking to one of our patients. He thinks he's Batman but he's really-

LOUD VOICE: Mihoshi, put the phone down! And stop giving out patients' medical information. You're going to get us fired!

CHIRPY VOICE: But Kiyone…

LOUD VOICE: Now, Mihoshi!

CHIRPY VOICE: Okay Kiyone. Sorry, I have to go now.

(Click as phone is disconnected)

WUFEI: Okay. That was. Weird. Let's go to the next caller. Justice. How can I help?

CALLER #2: Hey, is this the Psychic Hotline?

WUFEI: Er, no it's not.

CALLER #2: What do you mean NO?! Put me through then, I'm paying 3 bucks a minute for this! Damn switchboard…

WUFEI: What? I'm not the switchboard you retard! What kind of weakling calls a Psychic Hotline anyway! You-

PLEASE STAND BY. WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

(Annoying calypso music plays, voices can be heard in the background)

QUATRE: Calm down Wufei.

WUFEI: (censored)

TROWA: Quickly Duo, cut to a commercial!

DUO: Okey dokey! ^_^

TROWA: … ///_~

(Commercial)

WE SEE HEERO, WEARING THE USUAL TANK TOP & SPANDEX SHORTS. FOR APPARANTELY NO REASON HE JUMPS OFF A CLIFF AND DIVES HEADFIRST INTO AN OCEAN. AFTER GETTING OUT HE IS ATTACKED BY A PRIDE OF LIONS(COURTESY OF TROWA) BUT MANAGES TO EVADE THEM, THEN GETS BLASTED BY DUO WHO IS HOLDING AN EXTREMELY LARGE BAZOOKA. THE SMOKE CLEARS AND HEERO APPEARS, UNHARMED. 

(Voice Over- Wufei)

YOU TO CAN LIVE THROUGH ALL OF THESE EXPERIENCES. ALL YOU NEED IS THIS! (Picture on screen of tank top and spandex) INDESTRUCTABLE CLOTHING! COMES IN A VARIETY OF COLOURS, ONE SIZE FITS ALL! IT'S ONLY $999.99 PLUS POSTAGE AND PACKING. CALL 555-INDESTRUCTABLE NOW, OUR OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!

WUFEI: We're back, and this time there will be no psychic psychos! We haven't had much luck with callers today, so lets to talk to one of our guests instead. You've just seen him in that rather pathetic commercial, let's welcome the 'Perfect Soldier', Heero Yuy!

(Heero comes out from backstage, gun in hand)

WUFEI: Justice.

HEERO: Omae o korosu.

WUFEI: -_-; ?

HEERO: I told you. Never use that commercial. Ever.

WUFEI: What? How did I do it?! You think I have magic powers or something?! I can't control the commercials from here, the braided baka does that!

(Heero turns and walks back that way he came)

WUFEI: Where are you going?

HEERO: To kill the 'God of Death'.

Like I said before, review!


	2. Bazookas and author-powers

DISCLAIMER: The sky is blue

DISCLAIMER: The sky is blue.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, I've been really busy with my other fics and that little something I like to call my life (back stupid exam papers, back!) so I haven't gotten round to doing this for ages. I apologise for the delay and I hope you guys enjoy this.

THE WUFEI SHOW – Not for Weaklings!

EPISODE 2

LADY D: Has anyone seen Heero?

WUFEI: Last I heard he was going to kill Duo for playing that stupid commercial.

LADY D: That's just great.

DUO: AAAGGHHHH!!!!! Help!! (Runs out onto the stage and hides behind the authoress)

LADY D: Duo, let go of me!

DUO: you've gotta help! Heero's trying to shoot me!

WUFEI: That's nothing new. Besides, it's your fault for choosing that commercial.

DUO: But it's cool! I get to hit Heero with a bazooka!

LADY D: I think maybe that's the problem… Here he comes.

HEERO WALKS OUT ONTO THE STAGE, WITH A BAZOOKA HELD UP ON HIS RIGHT SHOULDER

DUO: Hide me!

LADY D: I can't hide you; you're too big!

TROWA: So shrink him.

LADY D: Huh?

TROWA: You can use your author-powers.

LADY: Oh yeah. (Zaps Duo with her author-powers. Duo shrinks to the size of a Barbie doll)

DUO: (3 octaves higher than usual) Aaaaaaaaghhh!!! What have you done to me?!

LADY D: I shrank you. Now shut up or Heero will hear you.

HEERO: Have any of you guys seen Duo?

LADY D: No.

TROWA: …

WUFEI: No, the braided baka isn't here.

HEERO: If you see him, let me know straight away. (Goes backstage again)

QUATRE: Hey guys! Have you seen Duo? Hilde's on the phone.

DUO: I'm down here Q-man.

QUATRE: (Looks confused) Did you guys hear that? It sounded like Duo on helium.

LADY D: He's not on helium; he's just been shrunk.

QUATRE: Oh okay. Duo, Hilde wants to talk to you. (Passes Duo a cell phone)

DUO: (Falling over because of the weight) Hello? 

HILDE: (On the phone) Duo, is that you?

DUO: Yeah Hilde, what's up?

HILDE: Duo, have you been breathing helium again?

DUO: No, I've been shrunk to the size of a Barbie doll by the authoress' powers 'cause Heero wanted to kill me for making an ass of him on national T.V by hitting him with a bazooka.

HILDE: Duo, are you making fun of me?… Are you drunk or something? Do you really think that I'd believe that you've been shrunk? If you didn't want to talk to me you could have just told Quatre to tell me that you were busy or not there. I can't believe you sometimes. (Sigh) Give the phone to Quatre.

DUO: Um, okay… (Hands the cell phone back to Quatre)

QUATRE: Hello?

HILDE: Quatre, would you like to go out with me sometime?

QUATRE: Sure Hilde. ^_^(He wanders off backstage, cell phone in hand)

DUO: -_-;

WUFEI: INJUSTICE! What about me?!

SALLY: What about you? (Gets a mallet out of hammer-space)

WUFEI: Um, nothing.

SALLY: That's what I thought. (Puts the mallet away

LADY D: Are we actually going to film the next episode of this or what?

WUFEI: Huh? Oh yeah. Let's go Onnas.

LADY D: … (Gives Wufei death-glare) Don't call me Onna!

WUFEI: Why not?

LADY D: 'Cause I'll do the same to you as I did to Duo, except that I'll make you look exactly like him too.

WUFEI: What?! Look like Maxwell?! INJUSTICE!!!

LADY D: You'd better keep your mouth shut then.

* * *

TROWA: Okay, places people!

WUFEI: (Sits down in his chair) Welcome again everyone to the Wufei Show! You may or may not know that this is our second episode. However that's all irrelevant. Justice is all that matters in this world and I want you all to remember that. Without justice the world would be a scary place and so you all have a lot to thank justice for. I want everyone to join me in praising justice. 'Thank you justice. Justice is life and life is justice.' … Come on you ungrateful lot! Praise justice!

LADY D: Wufei, this is a talk show. Not a Justice Cult.

WUFEI: It's my show isn't it?

LADY D: I suppose so.

WUFEI: So I wanna praise justice.

LADY D: Fine, fine. Praise justice. See if I care. When the ratings fall, don't try to blame me.

TROWA: Aren't you paying for this show to air?

LADY D: Don't remind me. It's got to be one of the stupidest things I've ever done.

TROWA: Well, if the ratings fall doesn't it cost you money?

LADY D: Oh crap. 

WUFEI: (Still ranting about praising justice)

LADY D: Wufei, this is your last chance. You're costing me money dammit!

WUFEI: (Ignoring everyone) Nataku, show this bunch of ungrateful onnas what true justice is!

LADY D: That's it. Quatre! Come here!

QUATRE: (Comes out, still with a cell phone) What is it? I'm talking with Hilde.

LADY D: Put the phone down, you're my new host for the Wufei Show!

WUFEI: (Stops ignoring everyone) What? Tea boy taking over my show? INJUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!! (Faints)

QUATRE: Cool, can Hilde co-host?

LADY D: I suppose so. Anyway, Let's take a break. I'm sick of this.

THE AUTHORESS, TROWA & QUATRE ALL HEAD BACKSTAGE. WUFEI IS LEFT COMATOSE ON THE STAGE FLOOR. (A/N: I promised myself I'd stop making him faint ^_^)

LADY D: (Backstage) I have this weird feeling that I've forgotten something. Oh well, I'll remember later if it's that important.

DUO: (Onstage, and still in helium mode) HEEEEELLPP MEEEE!!! AAAAGGHHH!!!! HEERO'S BACK!!!!!


	3. Hammerspace and Zechs the postman

DISCLAIMER: The sky is blue

DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Someone else's. Okay?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Wow, it must be a special occasion, I've actually decided to update! Anyway I'm gonna do this quickly so excuse any spelling or grammatical errors, I wanna finish so I can go dye my hair.

THE WUFEI SHOW – Not for Weaklings!

EPISODE 3

QUATRE: (On phone) It's true Hilde, I've been asked to replace Wufei on his show.

LADY D: Quatre, come on. We're going to be late starting.

QUATRE: I've got to go Hilde, we're about to start. Bye.

LADY D: Are you still dating Hilde?

QUATRE: Yep.

LADY D: How long has it been now?

QUATRE: Twenty-two and a half hours. ^_^

LADY D: Duo's not gonna like this.

TROWA: Speaking of Duo…

LADY D: What?

TROWA: Where is he?

LADY D: Um…oh no! I forgot all about him, he's still Barbie-sized!

AS IF ON CUE,DUO BURSTS BACKSTAGE, STILL TINY AND BEING CHASED BY A CRAZED HEERO.

DUO: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!! HEELLLPPPP MEEEEE!!!

TROWA: ………(turns to look at the authoress) Aren't you going to help him?

LADY D: Yeah okay. You know, I'm kinda surprised that Duo was able to survive Heero chasing him for this long. (Uses author-powers to zap Duo into her hand) Hi! ^_^

DUO: Is that all you have to say?

LADY D: What do you want me to say?

DUO: How about, 'Duo, I'm sorry for shrinking you' or 'Duo, I'm sorry for letting Heero almost send you to the next dimension'!

LADY D: This isn't Dragonball Z Duo. And quit quoting FUNimation! 'Next dimension' my foot… (spots Heero coming and sends Duo into Hammerspace)

HEERO RUSHES OVER STILL NOT OUT OF BREATH ALTHOUGH HAVING CHASED DUO NON-STOP FOR 22 HOURS.

HEERO: Where is he?

LADY D: Where's who?

HEERO: (Deathglare) Duo of course.

LADY D: Duo's in the next dimension.

HEERO: …

LADY D: If I see him I'll tell him you're looking for him. ^_^

HEERO: …

LADY D: Um, is that Relena over there Heero?

HEERO'S EYES GROW IMPOSSIBLY WIDE AND IN THE NEXT MOMENT THE PERFECT SOLDIER IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

LADY D: Knew that'd get rid of him. (Brings Duo back from Hammerspace)

DUO: Wow! That place is great! Where did you get all of that cool stuff?

LADY D: It's not all mine – it's basically a storage area for weird animé stuff, all the authors use it.

QUATRE COMES OVER.

QUATRE: Is it time to start yet?

LADY D: Oh yeah, we'd better hurry or we're gonna be late.

DUO: Can you un-shrink me first?

LADY D: Sure thing. (Waves hand dramatically – nothing happens) Huh? What's going on? Why didn't it work?

DUO: Hey I'm still tiny!

LADY D: I noticed.

ZECHS COMES OVER, CARRYING A STACK OF LETTERS.

ZECHS: These just arrived for you.

LADY D: Thanks, and do me a favour. Get Wufei off the set, we can't just leave him there during the show; he's still unconscious.

ZECHS: (Grins evilly) I'll deal with it.

LADY D: (Flips through mail) Junk mail, bills, personal, fanfic reviews… what's this? …I don't believe it!

QUATRE: What's wrong?

LADY D: Well, I know what's wrong with my author-powers now. It says here that I've used them too much during this fic so I can't use them for a few chapters. That's not fair – this is only supposed to be 5 chapters long at most! Sorry Duo, but it looks like you're gonna be tiny and whiny for a while longer yet.

DUO: WHAT?!

QUATRE: Oh well Duo, it could be worse. You could be in Heero's clutches. 

LADY D: Or you could've got stuck in hammerspace, or even worse, got stuck watching FUNimation's DBZ dubs!

QUATRE: (Looking confused) What's wrong with the dubs? I like them.

LADY D: No comment.

Hehe, looks like Duo's gonna be a doll for a while yet! How's he gonna stay away from Heero until he's 'normal' again? Will Wufei ever wake up and get his show back? And will Quatre ever get the chance to host? And where the heck is Trowa?!

Review please, it means a lot to me. BTW, all flames will be used to dry my hair and not much else so don't even bother. 


End file.
